Friendship - probably Part I

(Originally posted by me at the old version of ClawsOrPaws.)

When you become friends with somebody, it's because you like who that person is. Sure, with time you will discover more about him/her, and perhaps about yourself, and maybe you won't like all the things you discover. Still, as somebody said, you accept your friend's warts, too. You can have fights with friends, and make up, and such occasions may actually serve to make the friendship even stronger.

Thinking about it, I think that something very special needs to happen if a friendship is to be made stronger from disagreement. You need to understand and accept each others' points of view. That is, I think, why friendships can be strenghtened by fights: you learn more about your friend, and you both respect the differences in one another.

Then there are "friendships". The quotation marks signal that IMO they are not, after all, real friendships.

Why not?

Because I feel, in such circumstances, that I have been fooled. The person in question was not who s/he appeared to be. The fundaments of our "friendship" were, after all, not mutual liking and respect. I have experienced this in a very mild version, when it turns out that my "friend" does not have time for me if there are more interesting people around. Fine, shit happens - it may hurt my ego a bit, but it is a fairly mild "betrayal".

Then there are those who are only friends when they are feeling good themselves. When they are feeling bad, physically or mentally, they revert into themselves, and either expect me to see everything from their perspective, and cater to their needs with no reciprocation, or simply disappear from view with no notice. I can live with that, too, but the friendship does get weakened IMO if the mutual consideration constantly disappears when my "friend" is feeling bad. And, no, I am not talking about helping each other during rough times, as friends do. I am talking about a pattern where the needs of my "friend" constantly are supposed to take precedence over my needs.

Then there are abusive "friendships". I have been in a few, and typically they start out better than a lot of other friendships. "Better"? Yes, better in the sense that you can talk about all kinds of things, including negative experiences and other bad parts of life. In the beginning, this kind of "friendship" may seem to offer more honesty than usual, an acceptance of dark and bright sides both. Until the first fight happens, sometimes out of the blue as far as I am concerned. Then my "friend" does not only focus only on him/herself. Lol, in fact I think that reverting to seeing only your own side of things is typical for being angry. We all do it. My hurt is behind the things I say when I am mad with somebody. I believe that is one reason why fights can strengthen real friendships - that somebody gets mad about something tells that it is something s/he cares deeply about.

But the abusive "friend" does more than that. S/he typically places the blame for his/her actions on me. I make him/her act the way she does. Sometimes this will also be coupled with devaluation of what I say - s/he is rightfully angry, I am just moaning and bitching.

Afterwards. The apologies, the plea for forgiveness. I usually forgive the first time, in my past I have stupidly forgiven the second and the third time, too...

Stupidly? Yes, because the way you "make up" with an abusive "friend" is always only about him/her, not about a mutual recognition of your respective points of view. The abusive "friend" may apologise for the hurt s/he has caused, but s/he does not really respect your side of the argument, and will never really accept responsibility for his/her actions. After "making up" in this kind of "friendship", things may appear good for a while - until it all repeats itself.

You may feel that you want to stay friends with your "friend", maybe help him/her out of the vicious circle they have got themselves into. You can see their pain, if you have done your part of the bargain, and seen things from your "friend's" perspective. But more and more I feel that forgiveness certainly doesn't do the trick. It just sets a pattern where they feel free to take their temper out on you. The only thing that can change them is that they start taking responsibility for their own actions. With some luck, they will have some people left to support them if and when they do. I must admit, though, that I do not see it as a moral obligation to stick around such "friends".

The way I see it, it is not a question of abandoning a friend. You weren't friends in the first place. It is a question of realising that the person you thought you made friends with was never who you thought s/he was.